Tiger Woods As Told by the New York Post

I'm may not agree with everything they write, but you can't beat the New York Post for a cover headline! You have to imagine the copyeditors every night! They must laugh their asses off! I can only imagine that what NEVER gets used is the most hysterical.
And so, in staying in tune with current events for the website and tv appearances, I have come to realize that there are countless puns and double entendres available in the Tiger Woods Story.
Who knew golf had so many opportunities for sexual innuendo?!?

Case in point: some selected NY Post covers from the Tiger Woods story:

You can't deny they know how to write a headline!


Funny Guy: Mike Barish

You know when you see somebody who does something WAY funnier than you and you're slightly annoyed at yourself, and then jealous of them, but ultimately excited at seeing someone being so damned hysterical?

My fascination with the SkyRest Pillow and all things Skymall has led me to discover a VERY funny guy.

His name is Mike Barish... believe it or not, I was introduced to him by the Sky Mall people. We both have a bizarre obsession with the same pillow... but he has turned his into a fantastic photo essay of sorts.

Check out the whole thing at his site.

But here is a taste:

Help Me Understand: The Skymall Catalog

I have strong opinions about Skymall. As you can see:

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcnewyork.com/video.

Al Roker Has A Stalker - A Funny One!

Great spot on the Leno show about an obsessive Roker Fan.

Is It Just Me?

This is a recent shot of Courtney Love. What's happening to her face?

Love just lost custody of her 17 year old daughter. I'm not surprised. But honestly - her daughter is 17! Couldn't she have been a good mother for ONE YEAR til she turned 18?

Why Is Dan Lacey Obsessed With Pancakes?

His name is Dan Lacey. He is, most would agree, quite talented at portraiture.
But really?? Why the pancakes?

Turns out, for a lon time he was a small businessman, freelancer and comic illustrator for many years... but for some reason his attention turned to pancakes. Then, he turned to images of Barack Obama. Naked. Not surprisingly, it's gotten some attention.

One might argue, I wouldn't be blogging about Dan Lacey if it weren't for the pancakes.
I first discovered him when I found out he did a painting of my good friends Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb wrestling naked in syrupy pancakes. I'm not including the photo because one of them will kill me if I do. Plus, I think he made them more bootylicious in the painting than was necessary. But I suppose if they liked pancakes enough to wrestle in them, their butts would probably be bigger.
I now realize that they're in pretty good company. Oprah, Hillary Clinton, Susan Boyle and Mother Theresa.
But still, I wonder, why? I hope to ask him someday.

There's an interview with him here. Sadly it offers no insight into the damn pancakes.

PopHangover.com Nails it!

I love pophangover.com/. And they really hit on something with their 9 Funniest Celebrity Photos Of 2009.
Here's a sample.

Not only does Steven Tyler look like your grandmother, he also looks like Janice Dickinson when you wake up at 7am and realize you went to bed with her! Walk of shame, indeed.
Check out their full list at the link above!


Real People Dancing And Smiling for A Good Cause

Call it the Glee effect, and I for one dig it.
More and more 'real' people seem to be into making videos with dancing and singing and the shaking their asses and whatnot.

There's something endlessly amusing to me about people who can't dance, but fearlessly do anyway. This video has received more than 2.4 million hits world-wide-web-wide, and while it's not exactly Fosse, it's for a good cause, kinda fun, and you can't deny the song is certainly catchy. (You'll probably already know the song.)

This is What We've Become

Obviously these two have a sense of humor... and so did the congregation!


Say WHAT? Family Ties' Meredith Baxter Comes out of Obscurity AND The Closet

We can now change the "Family Ties" theme to:
"I've bet we've been together for a million years... and I'll bet you'll be a lesbian for a million more..."

Academy Of Television Arts & Sciences' "Father's Day Salute To TV Dads"

The always lovely and entertaining Meredith Baxter, formerly Meredith Baxter Birney until she divorced her husband David, has decided late in life that not only is she over David, she's over men altogether.

Baxter bravely admitted on the Today Show that she is a lesbian.
Read more at The National Enquirer.com

Tiger Caught On Tape!

Who would have thought a fender bender in your own backyard could explode into such a mess.

Tiger woods, you know the rest blah blah car accident, blah blah gorgeous wife but still suspected of having multiple affairs, seems pretty much busted in a voicemail he left for one of his alleged mistresses.

USweekly.com has the voicemail right here

2009 Australian Masters - Day 4

He's gonna have his own one of these handed to him over this.


Tiger ReEnactment Not To Be Missed!

Thanks to Tvnewser.com for this great link... an overseas news organization's compelling re-enactment of the Tiger Woods story - complete with computer animation of Tiger and his wife!

Hulk Hogan Getting Married! America Didn't Know He Was Dating!

Sorry to disappoint all you single ladies, but someone else is "putting a ring on it."
A future Mrs. Hulk Hogan is in the works...

Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania Tour Hits Perth

Are those wedding bells I hear? Or are my ears ringing from all the blows to the head?

I'm sorry -but if someone ever told me that Hulk Hogan would be getting this many headlines in the year 2009, I truly wouldn't believe them. I would have filed them under the category of 'millennium bug conspiracy theorists' and those people who think Elvis is still alive.

But there is actual Hulk Hogan "news" - he is marrying again. (America didn't even know he was dating!) But this time to a christian girlfriend who doesn't like to read newspapers and probably hates 'rude people.'

According to a FoxNews.com article:
“If you’re in my home and watching TV, you have to watch the science channel or the history channel or cartoons..."

The cartoons line certainly brought my impression of her down a bit.

The wrestler also claims he hates confrontation of any kind. (Unless, I imagine, he's doing it for lots and lots of money.) I mean, he's a wrestler, right? Isn't that slightly confrontational?

Adam Opens Up

Adam Lambert, the uber-sensation who was performing a week ago at the American Music Awards and simulated some man on man sexual activity is reaping some rewards in the form of publicity and record sales ... today he talks to Ellen about how he feels about the incident.
Check it out here.

Adam Lambert Steps Out In NYC!

Liza Minelli looks great! Oh ... sorry. Adam Looks Great!

Let's face it - musicians love to press our buttons... remember when Sinead O'Connor ripped up a photo of the Pope? Or when Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunctioned? This is hardly a new phenomenon.

Interestingly enough, at 8pm on virtually every channel, there are commercials for prescription drugs that talk about maintaining an erection, or lubricant that makes people moan and scream.

I suppose if you are going to be offended about this, there's little you can do to change that.

Yes, TV is a wild, unpredictable, often shocking medium. If you want to always be understimlated, you might consider books, or simply avoiding awards shows.


Sesame Street's Swipe at Fox News

As mentioned, I love the Muppets... one might argue that Bill O'Reilly is somewhat right in that there is a subtle swipe at Fox News here... that said, I agree with Sesame Workshop! It's worth it to engage the adults.
Fun video clip below:

Disturbing And Powerful

Planestupid.com is using a shocking tactic to tell people about the greenhouse gases emitted during air travel.

Even when something is computer generated, it can still be shocking and upsetting to watch.

Message received.

Too Awesome Not To Post

I'll admit it - I love anything involving the Muppets.

This Muppet Version of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' is currently the most searched, sent and clicked viral video on the web.
It's not to be missed. I also appreciate the cleverness of using Animal to just ramble "Mama" over all the lyrics involving "I just killed a man, put a gun up to his head, pulled the trigger now he's dead" blah dee blah.


Oprah's Next Move

2009 AFI Film Festival Premiere of Precious

'Even I can't believe how rich I am!'

Oprah's packing up her syndicated show bags (in 2011) and moving... but not far.
Ask anybody - ask her dog, for crying out loud, and they'll tell you that she's more than likely going to set up shop at her own network, which not so coincidentally will have launched earlier in 2010.

Her world domination continues...

More HERE...

The "Chicken Selects Defense"

I know there is nothing funny about this story. But it defies explanation.
Diane Schuler was this woman in New York who allegedly drove drunk and killed eight people in a wrong-way crash. She too was killed. Horrific tragedy.

Her family, who contends she was NOT high or drunk when she was killed, is being sued... and their lawyer contends that Diane could NOT have been drunk or high! Why? She gave a VERY COMPLICATED order at the McDonalds Drive Thru just before the crash.

McDonald's Same Store Sales Up 7.1 Percent In January

Um. Yes. That's right.
The attorney says that she ordered chicken selects during breakfast time - which ANY McDonalds connoisseur, (moi) can tell you they don't sell in the morning. BUT the lawyer says Diane KNEW that... and the fact that she was lucid enough to beg for the chicken selects is proof enough she wasn't trippin.'

Where is Matlock when you need him?

The full story HERE.
And finally, an addendum:
I was distraught when McDonald's first introduced the Chicken Selects - touting them as more 'real' meat (or something like that.) WHA? I like my processed McNuggets, thank you - don't rub your fancy white meat selects in my face.


Dakota - Why is She Growing Up While I Remain Ageless?

You know what's hard? You know what your parents never warn you about? That someday, a child star you grew up with thinking 'Oh they're such a cute kid' is going to grow up - and be, like, a woman, while you were thinking you yourself had never gotten any older.

Case in point, Dakota Fanning:


I met Dakota Fanning while doing a shoot on the set of "Dreamer" - when she was, as they say, knee high to a grasshopper or something. She was charming and articulate, and obviously a gifted actress. How come she is growing up and I remain ageless?

This is How Many Dollars Nic Cage Has Now:

Nicolas Cage

Wanna have dinner? You're buyin.'

How many cars Nic Cage had: 22.
How many cars you need: 1 or 2.

How many yachts Nic Cage reportedly had: 4
How many yachts you need: probably none, but let's go with 1.

How many castles Nic Cage had: 2
How many castles ... oh you get the idea.

Most of us never come into this kind of money. While fantasizing about winning the lottery, I always tell myself I'll never become one of those sad stories about the person who just didn't know how to manage all that wealth and pissed it all away.

Nic Cage won the career lottery, and he has become that person.

Read about it everywhere. Or at CNN.

Wishing Charo a Cuchi Cuchi Quickie Recovery!!

Full Disclosure: I am personal friends with Charo.I adore her and stay in touch with her every few months, since working with her a number of years ago.So I'm sorry to see that Charo suffered a leg injury recently... as evidenced by this photo:

Charo Wears A Brace At A Med Building In LA

To the left of Charo is her sister - a talented seamstress who makes many of those sexy-wexy costumes you see her in all the time... notice the resemblance? Remarkable!
Thankfully, Charo is more than capable of entertaining folks with her incredible Flamenco Guitar talents... don't count her out!


When Does She Technically Begin "Going Rogue"?

Gov. Sarah Palin
"Thanks for flying 'Alaska Airlines.' There's going to be some turbulence."

The drama continues with the Palinator... Oddly enough, despite calling her tome "Going Rogue," much of the book centers around accusations that she was always doing what campaign staffers told her to do... resulting in a virtual comedy of errors. (Which begs the question - when was, or is, she 'going rogue' - when she constantly blames everything she says and does on other people reportedly pulling the strings?

The New York Times has the background on the expression, which apparently arose from Palin's departures from Campaign advice... but more and more stories on the book point to the fact that more often that not, at least according to Palin, she did what she was told.
(Of course, the "It wasn't me - it was them" excuse seems squarely directed at what went wrong rather than what went right.)

Then there's the infamous interview she did with Katie Couric...
According to TVnewser, Palin claims she was essentially forced, (or assertively convinced) to do with Katie by her staffer, who claimed Katie had 'low self esteem' since taking the evening news job. Suddenly Palin claims she 'felt sorry for her,' and conceded to the interview.
What Palin doesn't seem to be able to explain away is why she did so horribly with the multi part interview, (during none of which does Katie seem the least bit insecure, I might add.)

Because everyone loves an encore - the Couric Interview...

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Sex Tape Shocker! On HLN

My thanks to the gang at "Showbiz Tonight" for having me over to talk all things Carrie Prejean, Sarah Palin and Michael Lohan - the three finishing off the week in a competition of infamy. Here's a sampling of the interview:

Had a blast! The full clip coming soon!

Brian Balthazar


Today's "Head's Up" - Extortion Plots Rarely Work


"Don't Mess With The Crawford"

Hey kids! Today we've got an important life lesson - if you gots yourself some dirt on someone - think twice - wait - three times before you decide to plan an extortion plot you think is failsafe.

Just ask David Letterman, John Travolta, or in this case, Cindy Crawford.
As just about everyone is reporting (but in this case, the Chicago Tribune,)

Cindy and her husband, Randy Gerber were victims of a $110K extortion plot involving a pic taken by their former nanny.

Needless to say, this is ending badly for the con-folk.

The Only Way to Cope Is With Cats

Props to Gawker, who always finds the gems in morning television.

As unusual as the story is, what's even MORE hysterical is the deadpan delivery of anchor Chris Cuomo and Correspondent Elizabeth Vargas when they deliver it with all the veritas of a piece on the Mid-East crisis:

"Inside the Secret World of Cat Ladies"

"I like to keep these cats in my dresser."

The way Chris Cuomo says "Cat Ladies" (with a straight face nonetheless) is enough to make you wet yourself. But it only gets better from there.

A few of my favorite lines from the intro are only done justice when you watch the link!
"What happens when a love of feline friends grows out of control???"
"Filmmaker Kristi Callan Jones shined a light on the often shadowy lives of self professed cat ladies." "They feel the only way to cope is with cats... LOTS and LOTS of cats..."

I find this cat obsession fascinating because in my experience, Cats tend to behave like they could totally go on without you.

Hey, Michael Lohan! Remember jail? Ready for an Encore?

Michael Lohan outside Beso restaurant in Hollywood

I could have used a flattering photo, but you understand.

Michael Lohan, the poster child for fatherhood (although he has competition in Jon Gosselin and Richard Heene) and papa to Lindsay, could land himself in jail again.

Mr. Lohan apparently taped telephone conversations he had with ex-wife, parenting expert Dina Lohan about Lilo. (Of course, class act Michael leaked the tapes.) Sadly, on top of just being downright narsty, it was in violation of a restraining order. Now, I knows what you're thinking - how? Thing is, the order included any phone contact with Dina, who could potentially see the calls as harassment.

The calls include rumors about Lindsay cutting and hurting herself, as well as a fling with Heath Ledger. (What???)

It can sometimes be easy to be snarky on a report like this, but more than anything it's just plain sad. Lindsay is clearly going through some issues of her own, and with parents like these, it's not so shocking...

TMZ got reax from Lindsay - who takes a deserved diss at her dad.

If Levi Shows Up, He's Sitting At The Kids Table

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcchicago.com/video.

"What's your question again? I want to make sure I efficiently dodge it..."

The LA Times has the lowdown and first clips of Sarah Palin's interview with Oprah, which is fresh from Oprah's oven and will be brought to the table on Monday.

Opting for her luxurious tresses to be worn down, rather than in her signature (and Tina Fey replicated) up-do, Palin did her usual dance around questions, particularly when it comes to whether Levi Johnston will be invited over for Thanksgiving.

"That's a good question," she said. One which she never did actually answer.

Oprah also asked about her seminal interview with Katie Couric... which, in my opinion, marked the decline of the McCain Palin ticket... It's one thing to dance around the question of Thanksgiving dinner, but quite another to hedge on your approach to foreign policy.

Enjoy the rich Oprah goodness...

Carrie Wrote the Book on Inappropriate!!

Donald Trump Press Conference In Regards To Miss California USA

I'll walk off ... I mean it...

There are some people who can't seem to open their mouths without sparking another controversy. And so, Miss Carrie Prejean is at it again...

The Former Miss California is now headlining in her own sextape... shot by her ex-boyfriend back when she was twenty years old... (although she was hoping we'd fall for 17, since it would make her a minor at the time, and therefore prevent most people from seeing it.)

Note to the young kids of the world: Try to find someone who can honestly say: "I'm so glad I made that sex tape." It's harder to find than Dolly Parton's natural hair.

The San Francisco Gate has every clip you need on this one...

Turns out Carrie isn't so good at fielding questions regarding her settlement with the Miss USA organization... on Larry King Live the other night, when Larry asked about her decision to settle, she could only repeat, ad nauseum, 'That's very inappropriate, Larry..."

While the question was anything BUT offbase, clearly she doesn't know inappropriate when she sees it, or she wouldn't have made the sex tape in the first place!!


This Just In: Don't Believe Anyone When They Tell You ANYTHING

Poor Falcon... he's definitely a victim in all this... God forbid he's every truly swept away in a hot air balloon, because no one will believe him!

Experimental Balloon Takes Flight Purportedly With Boy Aboard

His dad, Richard Heene, not so much a victim... but he has accomplished the impossible... making Jon Gosselin look like a good father!

Experimental Balloon Takes Flight Purportedly With Boy Aboard

I can only hope he doesn't profit from this.
But the biggest victim is the viewing public... done in by a world where "Candid Camera" and "Punk'd" has blended with real life. There is something sad about living in a time when "the news becomes farce. This whole stunt apparently an effort to create buzz for a 'reality' show.
(Long ago there were things called "documentaries" that tried to capture real moments and real stories...)

I'll get off the soap box now. I'm as much a viewer of the campy deliciousness that is 'reality' television. But when it collides to horrifically with the things I want to believe, it turns me on my ear.


Dear Febreze: If It Were Up To You, I Wouldn't Actually Wash Anything.

Dear Febreze,
Thank you for removing a tremendous burden from my life.
Gone are the tiresome days spent picking up my dirty laundry and cleaning it.
Thanks to your product, I can "wash" an entire room with Febreze!!

Moms can take comfort in knowing that those crusty socks at the end of their teen's bed just need a quick spray, and they're good as new!

PS - Women everywhere are looking forward to your douche.


Liz Taylor Update: She's Having Surgery, Still Wears Blue Eye Shadow, And Uses her Twitter Account More Than Most Of Us.

I do likes me the Liz Taylor, and I hope she emerges from her heart procedure safely.

27th Annual Macy's Passport Fashion Show Benefit_Show

But I buried the lead: Liz notified the public of her upcoming surgery to fix a leaky valve via her TWITTER account. Um, she's 77. Most 77 year olds I know do not know how to 'run' a computer, let alone have a Twitter account. So rock on, L-Tay.

She also says she will notify her followers of the procedure the minute it's over and she's lucid enough to thumb her way across the tiny keys on her portable computing device.

Tom DeLay Has Mercy On Our Souls

His two left feet both done been broken.

Tom DeLay, who dazzled, or rather, horrified us with his dancing, has pulled out of Dancing With The Stars.

Guilty Of Crimes Against Dance.

Stress fractures in both feet, quite possibly God's way of preventing nationwide hysterical blindness in DWTS viewers, have forced DeLay to put his sequined blazers aside and sit out the rest of the competition.

DeLay, who actually appeared visibly shaken and distraught about this withdrawal, was to perform the two-step next week. Host Tom Bergeron offered DeLay the opportunity to perform what I now coin "The Forbidden Dance" during the finale if he is sufficiently healed.

Note to Jon Gosselin: Nancy Grace will cut you!

Haven't you always wanted SOMEONE to tear Jon a new one?
Score one for Nancy Grace!

I also love watching Lara Spencer try to play nicey nicey mediating the discussion.

100 GREATEST YOUTUBE HITS - The Condensed Version

Need to catch up on the latest in viral videos? Before you look ahead... look back!


This Halloween Costume Ad Just About Sums It Up

First of all - the number one rule of Halloween is that train wrecks make the best costumes!
Enough of you ladies that are doing the 'sexy kitten,' 'sexy bunny,' 'sexy mental-ward patient' (I'm serious! click the link!) or 'sexy afterbirth', or whatever you young kids like to dress up as nowadays.

With that out of the way, take a good gander at the wig offered by buycostumes.com this season.
Who said a halloween costume company can't make some social commentary! More important than the Kate Gosselin-like wig itself is its name! You're right, buycostumes copy editor... Eight IS too much!

Kate would probably agree with you.

In closing - can you imagine having a hairstyle so uniquely narsty that they make a wig after you?
Shout out to future blogger JB for spotting this gem.

Coming soon: a roundup of the most ridonkulous costume ideas this season!!!

Viral Video Meets Design

The newest video to climb the viral video charts is pretty incredible - taking street art to a new level...

Take a look. Awesome.

I Fear I Will Never Win New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think I'm a relatively funny guy. Then why is it that when I click on the site to try my hand at captioning one of The New Yorker's HIGH-larious cartoons, (ahem) my mind always draws a blank?

I'm stumped.

Let's Give Mischa Barton A Break

I know it seems kind of popular to relish in the dramatic life of Mischa Barton - but can I ask WHY? Can we leave this woman alone for a while?

I mean - the past few years have been tough - remember when she was photographed in a swimsuit from 'down below,' and the photo revealed - of all things - what appeared to be cellulite? For those who judge - have you been to a walmart lately? Mischa could spooning cellulite into her coffee and she wouldn't be as appalling as some of the visions you'll see shopping around there.

Now her show, "The Beautiful Life" has been cancelled after two episodes, and some of the gossip mongers are dancing on her grave. I wish they'd just stop.

ps - I saw her on Christopher street the other day and she looked pretty good.

Ah, The Good Old Days of Being Drunk At The New York Times and NBC

Back in the 'olden' days at NBC News, (don't you dare say ten years ago) there used to be a bar on the corner of 30 Rock... right at at sixth avenue and 49th street. In the bar there was a phone line that ran down from the NBC News New York Bureau right to the watering hole... so, say, if there were some sort of drug sting, or riot, or whatever, the phone would ring, and the most sober person in the room would answer the phone to determine what news was happening and how it would be covered. That bar was closed decades ago. Today, my friends, that bar is now a Magnolia Cupcake shop. Now, I like cupcakes as much as anyone else, but I sure wish I worked at NBC during those days.

Apparently, people were equally sauced up at the New York Times.

In this video from bigthink.com, author Gay Talese describes the liquor-drenched newsrooms of The Times in the sixties—where men passed out on typewriters, and no one was quite sure just how the paper actually got out.

Can we bring those days back?


Jon Gosselin Rides ATV, Smokes A Cigarette

I'm not even being ironic. This is the actual headline updating us on the latest from Jon Gosselin.

By clicking here you can see him, um, riding an ATV, and, um, smoking a cigarette.

I think it's official, the story has petered out.


American Idol Alum Justin Guarini To Wed: World Collectively Yawns

In a story that should instead be titled "Justin Guarini Can Afford a Publicist, And Said Publicist Has Sent Out A News Release In Dire Hope Someone Will Notice," Justin Guarini is getting married.
USMAGAZINE.com has learned that he and his lady friend will be getting htched on Saturday.

61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

It's more than a hairstyle. It's a lifestyle.

TREND WATCH: Making Your Baby Dance to Beyonce

There is a new home video exploding on the internet right now.
It's a baby dancing to "Single Ladies" and it truly is hilarious.
And while this video has shot to more than a quarter of a million views in a few days, this is not a new concept for the youtube set... in fact, as evidenced below, babies dancing... specifically to Beyonce, is somewhat of a trend!

The big video first, followed by some more. The older these children get the more disturbing it is that they can shake their asses so effectively.
Parents be forwarned!


Who Wore It Best?

61st Primetime Emmy Awards arrivals

Who wore it best? Victoria Rowell... (above) or... Oh wait, no one else wore this.

I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING: after saying to yourself "WHAT?" You're saying - "Who's Victoria Rowell?? She's an actress best known for 'The Young And The Restless" and that old Dick Van Dyke show "Diagnosis Murder." Now she's known for this bad idea of a dress.

Facebook Knows You're Gay!

Gay Pride Weekend In London

This man might be gay. I can't be sure.

The Boston Globe reports on an experiment, (or SEXperiment, har har) where some MIT students tried to develop gaydar for the social networking world.

In summary, a study mixed in with some hyperbole and a computer program of some sort, took a look at a person's Facebook friends, and with a pretty good deal of accuracy, were able to tell if the person was gay or straight.

OKAY - is this so shocking? I mean, if a guy has 200 guy friends, many of the profile pictures showcasing pecs and abs, surrounded by throngs of other men, an occasional circuit party, and the column "Interested in: Men" is clearly checked... I would say that's a safe assumption.

The lesson here is: If you're gay, you probably know it. But if you're not, and you have hundreds of gay facebook friends, you're gay.

Somewhere, Cheryl Burke Cried Tonight

So Cheryl Burke has been one of the big "Dancing With The Stars" professionals for years now - almost always getting her celeb to the finals.

Walt Disney Studios D23 Expo - Day 1
Cheryl's gotta be bummin' - and not because of these bangs - which appear to be about 8 inches long. Really?

This year - tragedy struck Miss Burke. She got paired with the hopelessly uncoordinated, conservative values toutin', pants-too-high-wearin' Tom DeLay.

This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

This is not a political commentary. Let's be honest, Cheryl Burke is only famous when this show is on the air. And when it's on the air, she's only famous when she's in the running! Do you think Cheryl Burke could walk into an Olive Garden and be recognized any other time? Actually, that's a bad example. (Olive Garden patrons eat and watch TV alot.) Instead, do you think Cheryl Burke could walk into the Ritz Carlton and be recognized any other time?

But I digress.
Let's just say, Miss Burke ain't gonna be dancin' with no stars for much longer this season. I hope she kept her second job at the Arthur Miller dance studio or wherever else she spends her time.

Who's The Next GMA Host?

So over at tvnewser.com, a site frequently visited by legitimate media types (and the media wannabes that love them, and, well, wanna be them) they are following Diane Sawyer's departure from Good Morning America pretty closely.

They've been taking a survey among visitors to ask who they think should replace Diane... and check out the frontrunner!

Fifth Annual National Love Our Children Day

Meredith Vieira and Ashleigh Banfield - Future Competitors?

Ashleigh Banfield is leading the pack!

Haven't you always wanted to play casting agent? Do it yourself and vote...

Poll: Round Four: Your Pick for the new GMA Co-Anchor

Tree Falls are the 129th Leading Cause of Death In This Country!

If you haven't visited "Everything Is Terrible" - then run, don't walk...
They find the best clips - usually from old VHS instructional tapes - around. This one defies explanation. To me, the funniest stuff doesn't make sense.

Watch this video, and you've avoided becoming just another statistic.


You Be The Judge: Is Paula Abdul A Mess?

The answer is in front of you.

Paula Can't Stand "Straight Up"

There is no better example of Shadenfreude than the inexplicable glee you sometimes feel when you see someone trip. (And sometimes, all out fall.) Why is that?

In any case, Paula Abdul was performing "Straight Up" last night on Divas Live, and almost lost her ability to stand straight up. The clip, below:

I went to lunch with a good friend once at a spot where there was a big dip in the sidewalk ... A spot where I had previously seen a bunch of people stumble before. I warned him that there was about a 110 percent chance that we would witness someone taking a spill if we sat there, so brace yourself. Sure enough, someone tripped. He was mortified and felt bad for them. I was in a predicament, because now if I chuckled I would basically be a horrible person - and never is it more difficult to laugh than when you know you're not supposed to. Now when I see someone fall I think of my mom and how I would be upset if she fell. So now I don't laugh so much.

Except in the case of Paula Abdul.


I Feel Dirty

But not as dirty as David Canary does in this episode of All My Children.
This takes product placement to a whole different level.

From 'best week ever'

Vanessa Opens Up

Vanessa Hudgens has up to now been rather mum about the subject of her past nude photo scandal. (Or is it scandals now? I can't keep up... Oh wait... it's my JOB to keep up. Nevermind.)

Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Greene Shop till they drop in Vancovuer
Nice clothes! I think I'll wear things like this the next time someone points a camera phone at me and says it's just between us!

In any case, she's talking to Allure magazine about the issue, saying it's frustrating that people can't seem to put it out of their heads.

I understand her frustration. What most people don't realize is that when an actor or actress walks the red carpet, they all want THE BYTE where she refers to it. As a result, about 30 entertainment reporters will ask the very SAME question. (There is really only so much you can ask a celeb beyond who are they dating, what are they wearing, etc... it actually gets on MORE vapid and mindless from there!)

Perhaps most frustrating is that she never meant for it to be for public consumption:
"It's just really unfortunate, and to this day people hate me for it, but it's not like I chose to put that out there in the world, you know?"It's so aggravating and frustrating, and whenever anybody asks me, would I do nudity in a film, if I say that it's something I'm not comfortable with, they're like, 'Bulls**t, you've already done it'. "
** That said, a lesson for the rest of us - Google is forever! So pose for pictures wisely!
ps - I remember when there wasn't an internet trail to follow you around forever. Ah, the good old days!

Work Those Arms!

This is almost too easy. It bears no comment from me.

Enjoy. It airs on television, so it's safe for work - and yet - it's eerily oncomfortable watching it here.


Patrick Swayze Loses His Battle With Cancer

The Associated Press is reporting that Patrick Swayze, the chiseled actor who rose to stardom with his performance in "Dirty Dancing" has died after battling pancreatic cancer. He was 57.

Born in 1952, he fought the stigma of being an athletic kid who wanted to dance. His mom was a dance instructor who owned a dance studio. It's there where he met his wife, Lisa Niemi. He married her when he was just 23 years old.

While he continued working into his illness, tabloid magazines often followed his decline.
He and his wife were reportedly writing a memoir.

Keeping Mum Premiere - Arrivals

He was with his family when he passed.
Rest in peace, Patrick...

Whitney Like You've Never Heard Her Before

Oprah's premiere episode just ended, part one of two hours in depth with Whitney Houston.

In detail, Whitney describes the ways in which she smoked pot and took cocaine (She actually had to lean in to describe what you have to do to lace joints with crack.)
She also talks about locking herself in her room, doing drugs, watching tv, and listening to gospel music.

Among the more humiliating moments in her union... when Bobby Brown spit in her face.
It was a horrifically dysfunctional marriage that lasted 14 years.

More to come... just about everywhere you read.


A Closer Look: Janet's "Scream" Performance

Janet really brought it at the VMA's - but if you look closely, so did a great technical team.

If you compare the actual video and her MTV performance, you'll notice that they cut Janet out of the video itself - so to better re-create the look of her dancing with Michael. It all happened pretty fast, and we were all still stupified by Madonna's narcissistic "I'm the closest living thing to Michael Jackson" moment, that if you didn't really think about it, you might not have noticed.

Video on the left, and last night's performance on the right. (I'm sure you needed the explainer.)

All-in-all it was a really incredible performance on all counts.

>MTV's Michael Jackson tribute HERE.

>Scream video HERE.

The images are the property of the Jackson Estate and MTV. I hope you'll kindly not sue me! I'm trying to give some props here!

Taylor's Night Goes from Great, to Lousy, To Great Again! Kanye Still A Jerk

Here's how it went down:

MTV VMA'S. Early on. Madonna had already told us how everything relates back to her, in this case, the death of Michael Jackson.

Time for one of the first awards, Best Female Video, which in a big upset went to Taylor Swift instead of Beyonce and God knows who else. Kanye West, in his usual decorum, jumped on stage and says: “Taylor, I’m really happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.”

Ms. Swift looked heartbroken and speechless. The crowd began to boo.
Then, the directors foolishly cut away to some dumb sketch involving Tracy Morgan. (It might have been good over time, but it's momentum was totally squashed by the real life drama that was happening.)

Later, when Beyonce won an award, she called Swift out to have a proper speech, the audience roared, and everyone is in love with Taylor Swift even more than they were before.

(And Beyonce was a total class act, as expected. She rocked her live performance.)

Kanye, who was booed every time his name was mentioned, has apologized on his blog. And yet he still mystifies me.

To quote an average MTV Viewer: WhatEVER.

Must See Video: Oren Lavie's "Her Morning Elegance"

Oren Lavie's "Her Morning Elegance" is a great example of a song I appreciate even more because of the brilliant music video. Give it a few seconds and you're in.

> For more on Oren, Check out www.orenlavie.com/

The New "Papa John"

Mama Can't Buy You Love... but Papa John will sure try!

According to the BBC, 62-year-old Elton John has announced he will adopt a 14 month-old Ukrainian boy.

I'm all for adoption, but by the time this child is 18, Elton will more than 80 years old!!
If you're looking for an heir or something, I'm available!


File Under: Holy Crap You Have To Watch This - William Shatner Brings Back Romance

Watch until the very last second. There's a surprise ending.

A few things:
1) Um... What?
2) Um... What????
3) I actually hear that music in my head when I kiss people too.

I'm disappointed that the clip ends so suddenly. I would give anything to see what happens next.

Serena Williams Suggests Invasive Throat Procedure For Line Judge

“If I could, I would take this ... ball and shove it down your ... throat,”

US Open Day 13

Ouch! It was day thirteen of the 2009 US Open, and Serena was NOT having a certain call by a certain line judge.

Check the article out at bloomberg.com - and the video here:

But before you click - can we discuss this?

US Open Day 13

Hoop earrings? Is that practical??


Raise Your Hand if Your Mom Threatened To Have You Arrested!!

Whitney Houston tapes live concert in Central Park for Good Morning America

Whitney's gonna be on Oprah Monday. She's gonna tell her all about it.

This is the Oprah show that Whitney blamed for the average performance she gave on Good Morning America,
so she must have talked a blue streak.

As if we didn't know from the horrific scenes on "Being Bobby Brown," things got pretty desperate.
Her mom Cissy showed up at her house with cops and basically laid it all on the line: You're coming with me,
or you're going to jail.
It's good to see Whit made the right choice.

Her new video for "I Look To You" is out. It's simple, which I think is pretty appropriate. Her voice sounds a little
wiser, not the same Whitney we've heard before. She's not exploiting her range. (Maybe it's not what it once was,
but I defy anyone to sing like her, regardless of her octave range.)

You can bet your ass I'm gonna be watching that Oprah.

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I'm a Journalist and standup comic. I create and appear in television and web media. I've been seen on NBC, MSNBC, United Airlines in flight TV. (and some other more unusual fodder, including a 'how-to' video where I teach people how to wrap glassware for moving...I mean, really - it's essentially rolling glasses in paper... you can't make that stuff up!) I own more than two hundred cookbooks, but use the same five all the time, and even those are often abandoned in favor of epicurious.com. I design art and interiors for both friends and actual clients. I've spoken to Major Universities and NYC corporations about media and publicity. I am embarassed by many of the songs on my IPOD, and can't resist a Nacho flavored Slim Jim. I drink up to eight diet cokes a day.