Focus Groups to Decide Paula Abdul's Fate, Rate Which Diet Cola Tastes More Like Regular Cola

According to an insider tipping off RadarOnline, Fox plans to use focus groups - the very same panels of folks who make weighty decisions like 'which chocolate sauce takes better,'' to determine whether Paula Abdul should be brought back on American Idol.

Hey mall walkers! Do you have 30 minutes to determine whether this woman deserves a job?

"Stay away from my purse! There's Klonopin in there!"
(celebrity impersonation)

Paula Abdul arrives back at Burbank airport

"Those pills were in the car when I got here!"
(Satirical impersonation)

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I'm a Journalist and standup comic. I create and appear in television and web media. I've been seen on NBC, MSNBC, United Airlines in flight TV. (and some other more unusual fodder, including a 'how-to' video where I teach people how to wrap glassware for moving...I mean, really - it's essentially rolling glasses in paper... you can't make that stuff up!) I own more than two hundred cookbooks, but use the same five all the time, and even those are often abandoned in favor of epicurious.com. I design art and interiors for both friends and actual clients. I've spoken to Major Universities and NYC corporations about media and publicity. I am embarassed by many of the songs on my IPOD, and can't resist a Nacho flavored Slim Jim. I drink up to eight diet cokes a day.